Lessons perimenopause is unearthing in me

I never gave much thought to what would come after my fertility peaked. Which is strange as I spent so much time preparing my mind & body for pregnancy, birth and early childhood years.

Now, as the mother of a teenage boy I've enjoyed watching him mature, content that chapter of my life as child-bearing woman is complete.

Yet the past two years have begun revealing some deeply uncomfortable things to me..

Perimenopause is not simply a hormonal shift.

It's the next initiation a woman moves through, and an entirely different one to motherhood.

Early on my body started to change and asked me to slow down.

My life is already quite spacious by design, so this surprised me. Yet I listened.

What followed was fatigue, continuous weight gain and many dark days.

With it came a slow realisation..

My body has been showing me all the ways I undernourished her across my entire life.

I spent much of my early years over-giving, people pleasing, fasting and trying every kind of cleanse. I kept myself functional and vital, but at a deeper level I was deficient in so many ways.

I was also a terrible receiver.

I couldn't accept a compliment without deflecting.

I couldn't receive someone's kindness without immediately wanting to return the favour.

I didn't honour my own voice or my own needs.. and this went on for years.

I am not that woman anymore.

But it's said that what isn't fully resolved in us will surface during perimenopause, as we transition into the wisdom-holding years of the crone.

Which means some of those patterns are still buried in my cells, my blood, my energetic body.

This passage of time is asking me to become a masterful receiver, in every possible way.

It's also pushing hard on my relationship with my body.

I learned to trust her during pregnancy and birth.

To cherish and celebrate her pleasure as a tantrica.

And in my early forties I was at my peak.

I had genuinely come to love and accept her imperfect but feminine shape.

Then suddenly she began changing again.

Fatigue. Weight gain. Emotional lows I didn't see coming.

The irony isn't lost on me: the lesson I thought I'd learned; loving my body as she is continues to be asked of me all over again.

And honestly, none of this is easy to navigate. Yet perimenopause offers a different transit for every woman. Some face relentless anxiety. Some can't sleep. Some lose weight, some gain it.

Whatever our personal woundings are, this confronting passage of life seems to be the one that prepares us for what comes next. Regardless of what we think we need, she is the great revealer.

I have been in this portal of change for nearly two years. I am still very much in it. The more I speak to other women, the more I feel soothed, reassured, and validated that I can get through this.

So if you are navigating some of this, know you are not alone.I've felt a clear pull to open the door for women at this time in life to gather.

And to be clear, I don't have all the answers.But I am certain that we as women are stronger together, and we all have so much to learn from each other.

That is what we will do inside Wisdom from the Dark.. We will explore the terrain of primordial surrender, together. Be a balm to each other. Let the dark goddess guide us into whatever we are becoming on the other side.

If you'd like embodied support, and companionship at this time in your life, whether you're moving through perimenopause, grief, relationship endings, or simply not knowing what comes next, come and join me.

We begin Thurs 16 July.

With love, Bree